Castro Gets Comfy by Mitchie Delishie

Castro, Laid Back with His Mind on Communism and Communism on His Mind


CUBA - After undergoing intestinal surgery for diverticulitis in July, 2006 and transferring his responsibilities to his brother, Vice President Raul, Fidel Castro has announced it's Adidas warm-up suits and spiked Big Gulps from here on out.

"I like the Adidas," claims Castro. "It makes me feel comfortable and at ease."


For the past 48 years, Fidel has worn fatigues to remind people of his military might and position as Commander and Chief of the Cuban Armed Forces. But now the Cuban President can be seen holding worldwide meetings wearing red, white and black Adidas warm-up suits while sipping from a spiked Seven-Eleven Spider Man III Big Gulp cup.

Wu Guanzheng of the Chinese Communist Party's Politiburo recently met with the zipped-up Castro and thought nothing of it. "He looked very cozy sitting in his chair sipping his Big Gulp. I have to admit I was jealous. But he was nice and offered us several sips while discussing, at great length, the benefits of wearing Adidas warm-up suits and where we could get ones of our own."

According to insiders, Castro drops about five generous shots of rum into his Big Gulp before he leaves in the morning. "I like the way the Big Gulp, uh, feels in my hands. It's substantial and, uh, it lasts longer than a standard bar glass."

Castro Cold Chillin' in China, 2007

Although Adidas warm-up suits have come and gone here in the U.S. many Americans still remember a time when they were all the rage. In fact, Adam Horovitz (A.K.A. Ad-Rock) of Beastie Boys fame claims he still wears his while running errands or returning videos.

"I understand why my boy Castro pimps Adidas suits," claims Horovitz. "In an Adidas suit you're relaxed but ready for action. I wear mine when I go to places like Target or the Coldstone Creamery."



Che-Check Out the Warm-ups

Renee Silverstein, Chicago area mother of two, claims the suits are not just for Communist dictators and rap stars. "They're for everybody," she says.

"Me and the other girls go walking in
warm-up suits everyday, I wear mine to Trader Joe's, to Costco, when traveling to see my parents or even when I'm schlepping to Ikea and back. They're almost too comfortable if you know what I mean."

Comfy in Chicago

CASTRO'S ADIDAS WARM-UP SUIT TIPS OF THE WEEK:

1) "Don't wear your warm-up suit on job interview - bad form"
2) "Don't mistake pjs for warm-up suit"
3) "Avoid wearing warm-up suit during periods of bad gas - the material is much too thin and the smell will embarrass or overcome you"
4) "I find it difficult to hide a boner in an Adidas warm-up suit - so avoid having women sit on your lap or stay seated when aroused"
5) "Wear underwear to, uh, extend the amount of times you can wear your Adidas warm-up suit"
6) "Accessorize your Adidas warm-up suit with marathon medals to, uh, trick your enemy into thinking you're in better shape than he is (eBay,$6.95 and up)"
7) "Wear black Adidas warm-up suits to look thinner or to, uh, dress it up a bit, for example, when going to weddings or a disco"
8) "Let your warm-up suit air dry or they, uh, might shrink and hug your ass too much"
9) "Nothing looks worse than a wedgie when wearing Adidas warm-up suit, so, uh, keep your underwear out of your ass"
10) "If anyone gives you shit about your Adidas warm-up, uh, do what I do and tell them you have nuclear weapons and you are not afraid to use them on their house"