Letters to the Editor by Mitchie Delishie

Dear Lifesamitch.com readers,

Listen up fuckers - poke me one more time and I'll put you in a fuckin' wheelchair. That's right, I'm sick and tired of all you sluts pokin' my stomach, expecting a jubilant little giggle. In fact, poke me again and instead of laughter you'll hear my tiny little fists pounding your face in like cookie dough. That's right, I'll show you who's the boss of that kitchen here and now. Or maybe I'll poke YOU for a change - and I don't mean in the stomach.

-Pillsbury Doughboy, 2007




Dear Lifesamitch.com Readers,

Hey ya'll! It's like - it's finally spring! And with spring comes spring cleaning. Oh, I know...some of you are probably like, "Oh no he didn't! Mr. Clean's gonna put me to work just after I spritzed this mimosa with another splash of Champagne." But hold on...it's not that difficult. I'm serious! First, get yourselves a clean rag and a bucket and just fill that bitch up with warm water and a splash of Mr. Clean. Now, let the water run until you see suds formin' 'n shit. Then just dip that rag in the mixture like you're droppin' balls and start wipin' down everything and I mean everything in that house of yours. Now was that hard? Okay, next, get yourself another rag and just wipe away remaining wet dirt or grime. Holy shit, right? You all are probably thinkin' "Damnnnn! Who's place is this?" It's YOURS BITCHES! It's just clean and ready for those fun little get-togethers you been puttin' off because you've been a little mess pig. Anyway, I got run but I'll holler at ya'll later! Okay, bye!!

- Mr. Clean, 2007


S'up Lifesamitch.com,

Did anyone TiVo the Pistons/Magic game last night? I fucking missed it because my girlfriend scheduled a "date night"...yeah, I know. She made me take her to this gay-ass play and had me drop about ninety bucks on dinner and a bottle of wine for the two of us. Meanwhile, I would have been cool with some Papa Johns and my boy Chauncey Billups bringin' it up, up and UP! Damn, what was she thinking scheduling date night during the playoffs? Anyway, I'm trying to avoid reading the sports pages or hearing about the game until I see it myself...let me know bros!

-Jolly Green Giant, 2007



To Whom It May Concern at Lifesamitch.com,

Yo kids! Wanna try a REAL tasty treat in da morning? Tell yous moms and dads to buys Kellog's Pop's Krispies! Dat's right, it's da one with me, Pop, on da box. Unfortunately Snap and Crackle are no longer wid us - God rest der souls. It appears dey...uh...vanished during our annual deep-sea fishing excursion which I was lucky enough to survive from. Okay? So, don't worry so much about Snatch and Craple...dey weren't really good guys to begin wid. See, dey owed your friend Pop here a lot of dough and tried to cut him out of a fourteen million dollar cereal bar contract, but I guess they got what was coming to dem, right? Anyways, wid the noise pollutions you chumps are growing up wid, it doesn't make much sense to have a cereal that snaps, crackles AND pops. Now it's just gonna pop, you spoon it in yous mouths and you're fucking done wid it. Capiche? Alright din, run along and tell your mommas and papas dat it's gonna be Pop's for breakfast from here on out.

-Pop, 2007



Dear Lifesamitch.com Readers,

Gosh...I don't really know what I'm doing writing all of you but I'm lonely. I recently went through an excruciating divorce that has left me emotionally drained and disconnected from the world...what does that mean? I don't know. Whatever. I guess, I'm just looking for somebody to be there for me...somebody that will help pick me back up and show me that there is a life after divorce. Somebody that will remind me what it's like to laugh and enjoy the rain again. A little about me? Well, I enjoy salty cuisine, yellow dresses and getting lost under a giant umbrella. I enjoy waking up in the arms of a lover and knowing that he will be there when I come home rather than off with some slutty banana bitch who's life is nothing more than a shallow promise. Email me, text me or write me a beautiful love letter...

Waiting and alone, Morton Salt Girl, 2007


Dear Morton Slut,

I just want to let ya know dat calling me a "shallow banana slut," is way off da line. Just because you don't know how to keep a man married to you doesn' t mean you can go out say whatever you want like some sort of hoochie mamma people actually listen to. You're ugly and your dress makes you look like a big fat pig. There I said it. So take your ass to Macy's and buy yourself a new dress instead of sobbing and bitching on other people's blogs. "Eww, look at me, I'm crying in da rain and I don't have a man. Boo-hoo for me." You know, if you have something to say, why don't you come over and say it to my face! You still remember where you used to live don't you? Audios!

-Miss. Chiquita


Dear Whoever Read Miss Chiquita's Letter,

Oh my GAWD! Did ya'll just read what Miss Chiquita said to that poor Morton girl? It was like, vicious. That bitch be like a snake! She was all like, "don't be callin' me a shallow!" Oh my Gawd! That poor girl. If I was her I would have totally gone off on that bitch, with chains 'n shit. Then Chiquita made fun of the salty girl's yellow dress! Can ya'll believe that? I for one think that dress is so cute on her. My GAWD! And who is she to talk...walkin' around with a pineapple on her head. Girl look like a fruit buffet. I'm like FREAKN' out for Morton! And you know what? I told her not to worry about a thing 'cause Mr. Clean's comin' over with a bottle of wine and some old Audrey Hepburn movies to cheer her up. Mmm-hmmm, you know this. Mr. Clean's gonna make it clean, you know what I'm sayin'? Gonna clean up that poor girl's life up and get her a man that will treat her the way she needs to be treated. Alright ya'll...till next time!!!

-Mr. Clean, 2007