Goth Loner Laying Low by Mitchie Delishie

FAIRFAX, VA - As America's fears of student outcasts are at an all-time high, local Northern Virginia Community College goth student, Matthew Stalls, has decided to "lay low" for a while.

"It's just not a good climate to be a goth right now," claims Stalls. "Especially since I have zero friends, wear leather trench coats and collect Ninja throwing daggers."

After the horrific incident on Virgina Tech's campus Stalls claims people have been profiling him as a major threat to society. "What happened at Virgina Tech was heinous and something only a cowardly psycho could have done," says Stalls. "But it's not what my gothness is about. So, I happen to be a shy guy who enjoys dressing up like a vampire and has a slight disposition for jocks who call me 'queer bait.' But that doesn't mean you should evacuate a Taco Bell when I walk in or spray me with mace when I ask for the time."

To help him lay low, Stalls has purchased a Redskins ball cap, Auburn University sweater vest and some pleated Dockers. "It's totally not who I am, but it's really helped to take the spotlight off me for a change."

Meanwhile, Matthew's mother, Elizabeth Stalls, is enjoying her son's sporty new look. "I haven't seen Matty in orange in years. I forgot how absolutely adorable he looks in vibrant colors. You should see him in turquoise. Oh, he's to die for in turquoise."

Now Matthew's father, Gregory Stalls, feels closer to his distant son than ever before. "The other day when Matty asked me to take him to an Orioles game I almost wept. It was like all those years of him calling me a 'Christian pagan dictator' were tossed out the window and he was my son again. I don't want to jinx it, but I think the war between us is over."

Going into hiding hasn't been easy for the nineteen year old college freshman. "I hissed and bared my fangs on the court the other day. Luckily I was wearing a mouth-guard so the idiot who fouled me couldn't see my fake incisors. I gotta keep reminding myself that I can't be doing shit like that while I'm laying low...I just can't."

Matthew does admit this new guise isn't all bad. "A girl actually said 'hey' to me the other day and a group of guys who used to call me 'Count Faggula' invited me over to watch World Series Poker...that made me feel pretty cool."

While Matthew has no idea how long he's staying under the radar, his parents hope it's for good.

But only time will tell.