Lying Out Loud by Mitchie Delishie

I feel horrible about something. The other day when I responded with, "LOL!" in my email to you, I wasn't really laughing out loud at all. In fact, I was sipping coffee stone-faced as I typed those three little letters.

And it's been killing me.

Which is why I want to discuss "onlies," or "online lies" as you laymen and laywomen refer to them. We make onlies every day and I think it's making us worse for wear. Just because our modern communication devices have taken face-to-face discourse from our lives, doesn't give us the right to be bold face liars.

Can we not dig within ourselves and pull up some of that honest dialogue that made us such pleasant people during the 40s and 50s? As a frequent onliar I've jotted down some of the more common onlies that are slowly killing the moral fiber of this nation.

SPAM ME THE EXCUSE
Spam is where we say those emails we forgot or didn't want to respond to end up. We say things like,"Sucks that I missed taking you to the airport but your email ended up in my Spam blocker for some reason." This is simply an onlie. If you don't want to take me to the airport just say so.

THE NON-ATTACHMENT
This excuse comes up when a friend asks you specifics about a photo or joke they emailed your way that you simply deleted without even looking at them:

FRIEND: "Which of the four wedding photos I emailed do you think we should frame?"

YOU: "You know, I had trouble opening your attachments. My computer sucks."

What you're really saying with this onlie is that you suck. Look at the photos, read the jokes and acknowledge your friends and family.

GOING IT ON YOUR BOSS
Going IT on your boss is where you just start throwing out random cryptic tech-talk to get yourself out of trouble:

BOSS: "...but I sent you that email to you like a week ago?"

YOU: "I...I didn't...you know what? I got hit with this virus and it encrypted everything in my RAM speed access DATA PORT drive, so everything that was sent to me last week ended up getting Anti-Norton deleted. Can you send it to me again and I'll get on it?"

Whaaaat? You have no idea how a computer works, do you?

IM A LIAR
Most IM features allow you to onlie by saying you're busy when you're really online Googling yourself and watching movie trailers. You can even have it say you're away when you're really there. In real life, this would be the equivalent of standing alone at a party with a T-shirt that read "I'm Not Here" while you ignored the entire room - which of course would be rude and incosiderate.

THE SPECIAL-EFFECTS WIZARD
Okay, this one's been beaten to death but I'll repeat it anyway. Just because you have the software to make your online dating profile photo look like a Angelina Jolie - like redirecting lazy eyes towards the camera, removing double-chins and digitally giving yourself a face-lift, doesn't mean you should. Don't fool Cyberspace because Cyberspace will eventually fool you. Regardless, you're going to have to meet your match in-person and just because you got him to "LOL" till two in the morning on IM, doesn't mean he'll forgive you for setting him up with a Hobbit. Be yourself and only then will you find true love.

Today's modern lies also apply to cell phones for what I like to call "Mobile-lies." Following are a few Mobile-lies that are corrupting our society one call at a time.

DROPPIN' SIGNALS LIKE THEY'RE NOT
This is simply where you just hang up on a person you're sick of talking to, claiming signal failure later.

THEM: "Hey, why didn't you call me back? I wanted to finish telling you about that dream I had?"

YOU: "I got caught up in a bank vault surrounded by four feet of concrete and lead and couldn't get a signal. Oddly enough, the bank was offering free wings and pitchers of beer, which explains why I'm drunk and reeking of hot sauce."

DON'T MESS WITH THE TEXTLESS
This is a big mobile-lie. Somebody asks why you didn't respond to their text and you look them dead in the eye and tell them that your phone isn't capable of texting. Meanwhile, you're phone's got enough media features to land a space shuttle.

SCREENING SILENTLY
We've been doing this for years but now that we can screen calls on the go and in public, it's a becoming more risky. This could happen to anyone, you're walking down the street jamming to your iPod when your phone vibrates. You pull it out and see that it's not important. So, you don't answer it and go about your day. Unfortunately for you, there's now a voicemail from the person you just screened that says they saw you from across the street and witnessed your mobile-lie in person. Shame on you.

So now that I've outed some of our modern lies, where does that leave us? Well, I'm not sure. I for one will try to be a little more honest in dealing with my fellow man online and in person in 2007 and beyond. Of course, I could be lying to you right now. After all, this is simply a blog. When did blogs start telling the truth? So, maybe it's just easier to say I'll try harder and ask that people forgive me, ahead of time, for not being in the mood to chat it up at all hours of the day. Or better yet, maybe my Blackberry will just drop its signal and I won't have to close this lame ass blo-

------------------sent from a Blackberry wireless-----------------