MITCHIE DELISHIE INTERVIEWS FRIEND'S OLDER BROTHER - "CAPTAIN MEGALODON" by Mitchie Delishie

I recently had the good fortune of sitting down with my friend's older brother, "Captain Megalodon," to discuss sharks, the state of the comic book movie franchise and chasin' tail.

For those unfamiliar with Captain Meg', you should know he is truly a dying breed of older brother, transcended from the 80s. Luckily, in-between calling me "Butt nut," and griping about half-finished beers, he had time to answer a few questions that I hope shed light on the Great White APEX predator who has become legendary amongst friends and co-workers.
"What's up BUTT NUTS!"

MD: Explain to Lifesamitch readers what is a "Megalodon?" And exactly when is it safe to "frenzy" at a local pub?

The Megalodon was the APEX Predator of the sea during the Jurassic or Triassic period I believe. Mean's "Big tooth shark." This is the grandaddy of 'em all. Transmogrifying its traits to the human male is what I do best. It's nearly always safe to frenzy at a local pub as long as there's some nice whisker biscuit there. However, as you know, avoid the idiot savant bachelorette party crew. As the captain of the Megs, I'll let you younger bucks crash and burn with your cheese lines before I separate Betty from the bunch. Basically, it's a beta males move out, alpha males move in type scenario where only the strong survive.

MD: When did your fascination with sharks surface the waters?

When my Dad took me and my knuckle-headed brother to see the original Jaws. Seen all the sequels except only bit parts of #4 with Mario Van Peebles. Can that guy ruin a movie or what? That ass clown destroyed Highlander 2 for me. Also, the pinnacle Megalodon moment was the opening scene of Steve Alten's book "Meg" where my meg ancestor shreds a T-rex that has wandered out a bit too deep in search of it's own meal.

MD: How many things in your home have sharks on them?

Framed Jaws original movie poster, 2 shark ties (classy ones from J. Crew & Tommy Hilfiger, not one *Herb Tarlek would wear), shark boxer shorts, couple shark pictures, etc.

*Yes, a "WKRP in Cincinnati" reference

MD: What's your three favorite sharks and why?












1) "Megalodon ('nuff said fanboy)"











2) "Great White (Check out those chompers)"









3) "Goblin Shark (cool name)"

MD: Who are the "ladies of the 80s" and what makes them the perfect "lay-up?"

"Ladies of the 80's" are that rare breed of women that still somehow exists in the 21st Century. That's called an anachronism right - something out of place in time? These babes are sportin' acid-washed jeans, BonJersey hair, maybe some white high heels or neon spandex dresses. Perhaps they arrive in a minivan for "Girls Night Out." They're usually married with at least one divorcee in the mix. All they're looking for are Jell-O shots, free smokes and poke while their husbands, who joined the Navy after watching "Top Gun," are out to sea. Approach with caution and avoid big words like "anachronism." I escape the next morning by saying I've got an early tee time with my boss.

MD: Is your fin up or down these days?

Fin's at mid-dorsal today, but ask me that when the weekend rolls in. It'll be in full effect this Saturday for our 3rd Annual Jimmy Buffett day bash. (kind of a winter salute to all things Buffett). No lie, when I worked for the Mayor of Jacksonville I got him to proclaim the 2nd Saturday in December to be Jimmy Buffett day. At the last minute, I slipped in the words "and all second Saturdays thereafter in perpetuity." Really, it's true we have the proclamation.

MD: For years you've yelled at all of us for leaving "sandbags." Can you explain exactly what a "sandbag" is and what's your beef with them?

Ok, "Sand bags" or "dead soldiers" are those half-finished beers you idiots leave at the bar before leaving or at home on the coffee table before we go out. C'mon nuggets - finish the whole thing! It's only 12-ounces and you paid for it. My favorites however are the nearly 3/4 full or full beers we leave in the den/kitchen/coffee table the next morning after coming home from the bars for a late night rendezvous. People are all jazzed to keep the party going but rarely do things go beyond one beer or a half. You're either gonna sip quick and get your stick wet or go to bed solo to punch your clown in defeat.

MD: If you were a comic book hero, what powers would you like and how would you wield them?

Flight mainly. It leads to money, babes and travel - no matter how ugly you are. I'd probably use my powers for pickin' up dirties.

MD: What's your take on Toby Macguire as today's Peter Parker? Hugh Jackman as our modern day Wolverine?

Jackman's done a great job as James Howlett (a.k.a "Logan"/"Wolverine"/"Patch"). Way better than had Dougray Scott played him. Originally I wanted Billy, the Indian guy from Predator 1 to play Wolvie, but I don't think I ever saw him again...kind of like Mike Dimone from Fast Times. Toby's been good. Has the nerdiness of Peter Parker and not Mr. good-looking either. I think that's called "keepin' it real."

MD: What's been your favorite comic book movie franchise?

"Batman Begins" - Awesome, kind of like the Year 1 Frank Miller series
"Superman Returns" - How about all the messiah imagery?
"Batman" - Jack Nicholson & Michael Keaton did very good jobs
"Batman 2, 3, 4" (Bats & Robin) - based more on the campy 60's tv show. Why not just make Ishtar 2, 3,4?
"Hulk"- Terrible CGI
"X-men 2"- best of the 3. 3rd was disappointing. Of course there will be a 4
"Daredevil" - had Potential, lose that pillow biter ben Affleck
"Elektra" - One of my favorite characters destroyed. Jennifer Garner is HOT though "Fantastic Four" - Decent attempt. Chiklis as Ben Grimm was good casting
"Punisher" - Didn't see the one with Thomas Jayne, but years ago while at FSU we watched one with Dolph Lungren - pretty cheesy
"Captain America"- One was straight to video I think
"Hellboy" - Pretty good
"Lobo" - They gotta make this one

MD: What do you know about the World Wide Wrestling Federation?

Incompetent attorneys. They had to change WWF to WWE so we wouldn't confuse it with pandas and wildlife. Really, my favorite was Florida Championship Wrestling with Gordon Solie as the host. Dusty Rhodes and Sweet Brown Sugar...does it get any better?

MD: When is the last time you gave your little brother a Charlie horse?

Two weeks ago at the Old Country Buffet. Lesson there: don't cut in line bro.

MD: Where does an APEX predator such as yourself cruise for ladies?

Flingers and Chotchki's. But I'm game for TGI or the Outback.

MD: Mix-Tapes, CDs or MP3s?

Being an older brother, I'm still converting most of CD's to MP3 & iPod.

MD: Favorite movie line?

Naked blonde walks into a bar...poodle under one arm, two-foot salami under the other...bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink."

Blonde says "..."

We don't know what she says as Bender falls through the ceiling.

MD: What's pissing you off these days?

Gay store reps trying to help me buy clothes. Step away dudette, I know what I like. What happened to the nice old grand-pa types that made you feel like a million bucks in an awesome suit?

Not ever being able to pay cash for gas at the station. They're all so afraid I'm gonna rob them and drive off with free gas - yeah like a guy wearing a suit in broad daylight is going to "gas and go."

Shit like that makes me want to punch stuff.

MD: As an omniscient older brother, what advice do you have for all the little brothers out there?

Vote, avoid mediocrity, don't smoke and stop getting your haircut like you're in a pop band unless you're in a pop band or gay or in a gay pop band. Call me don't text me. Wrap up your squirrel before you bust a nut, invest, save and be merry.

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Did you know?

Captain Megalodon loves all things gigantic, including: Giant Squid, the recently discovered Giant Camel (about 30 ft tall), the Giant Turtle - Arcehlon Ischryos, Super Croc - Sarcosuchus Imperator, the Mega Raptor - Yes, there was an even bigger, meaner one, and lastly the Carcharodontosaurus Saharicus - the Shark Tooth reptile, a nice dino with teeth the size of a great white.