MY LETTER TO IKEA by Mitchie Delishie

I recently had a hell of a time dealing with Ikea's customer service center over the past two months and ended up drafting the following email. Unfortunately, they never were able to send the right part to me. In the end, I ended up going to Home Depot where I basically designed the part myself.

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Dear Jennifer:

You guys shipped me the wrong part again. I know these directions are hard to understand but could you please put me in contact with somebody who would be able to help me, like the guy who built the locker cabinet? Again this is ALL I NEED:

Directions, STAGE 5 (in the PDF you sent me):

Notice the DOWN ARROW? Just right off the tip of the DOWN ARROW you will see a SKINNY POLE that is shown sliding through the DOORS so that it acts as the HINGE for both doors. This pole probably has the circumference of a pen but is longer...like a POLE.

You guys sent me the metal framing.

I don't need the metal framing.

Just the pole.

Please don't send me anything unless it's a POLE or a box of money or a gift certificate for $1000 to Ikea or for some other place that includes their parts and delivers quality, customer service.

The Ikea store in Chicago is not a convenient oasis I look forward to visiting (I'd rather parallel park a dump trunk, sans mirrors, in downtown Tokyo during rush hour)...so I can't just stop by, talk to a real person and describe for them, in elaborate detail, what this pole looks like. Remember, I did receive an empty 3' plastic sleeve that had the width of 2" that I will bet money on housed the pole.

So we know this pole exists.

The directions say it exists.

Now I suppose I could go to Home Depot and have them make me a pole that would replace the one you guys are hiding from me...but then I guess I could have them make my furniture and cabinets and cheap knickknacks I usually save for Ikea as well.

You guys are the lemon that has left a bitter taste in my mouth...on more than one occasion - be it missing screws, missing tools, missing directions. You know, I want to root for you guys because you're clever and design the best in faux-furniture. I was hoping this little request was going to be the one you redeemed yourselves. The one where I screamed, "THEY CAN DO IT! HIGH-FIVE, IKEA'S AWESOME! I'M GOING TO BUY MY WHOLE FAMILY GIFT CERTIFICATES FROM THERE FOR THE HOLIDAYS AND REGISTER MY WEDDING THERE AND BUY MY FUTURE KIDS' DORM ROOM CRAP FROM THERE AND MY CASKET FROM THERE...."

But I don't know about any of that anymore.

So please, send me the pole....and not a Pollock...whom I believe is boxing your products.

Thanks Jennifer
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I would like to state for the record that the Pollock joke was simply that - a joke. I have many Pollock friends and I myself may even have some Polish blood raging through my veins. So Go Poland, you are a great nation and your people are smart and beautiful.