MCDONALD'S "EMPLOYEE-OF-THE-MONTH" TESTS POSITIVE FOR STEROID USE by Mitchie Delishie

Stellar McDonald's worker, Dan Jankins of Potomac Maryland, tested positive for steroid use this past Wednesday, just days after he was proclaimed "Employee-of-the-month." The news came as a shock to district and regional managers who felt Jankins was on his way to becoming manager himself. Now many are heartbroken, realizing Jankins' success is due in part to the junk he was injecting into his body before work each day.

"Ha, Jank-man's BUSTED," says fellow employee Ron Smith, "That bitch was always showin' off, like stackin' buns ahead of schedule and cleanin' up while on break. I should have recognized the fool was on fuel!"

According to McDonald's Corporate Communications Director, Jeremy Gallow, this sort of behavior is unacceptable. "We can't have juiced-up employees interacting with customers, not only is it agaisnt company policy but it's just not fair to the other employees who cherish our employee-of-the-month program."

While many people are familiar with McDonalds' friendly staff, few know little about its enhanced employee-of-the-month program; a program that now awards employees with premium gifts like spot bonuses, DVDs and in some cases, like Dan's - plasma TVs.

"That motherfucker like totally won a plasma that we've had our eyes on for like weeks," said Jankins fellow employee, Carla Sanchez. "And he was all like, 'how you like me now bitches,' when he was carrying it out to his car. Employee-of-the-month, more like fucking-asshole-of-the-month."

While it is not customary to test employees for steroid use after they win the coveted employee-of-the-month status, it may become so after Jankins' rash decision to shoot up in front of the restaurant's security cameras.

"This is an outrage," shouted Mr. Jankins, who spoke on his son's behalf. "This isn't the goddamn Olympics or the Tour de France, were talking about flipping burgers here. If Dan wants to juice up, it's his body and his right to do so."

However, according to McDonald's corporate lawyers, it is "against store policy to ingest any illegal substances or be on any illegal substances while at McDonald's," a clause Ron Smith pointed out in the company handbook with an exaggerated finger-point and a"boohyah" to his boss, who is still trying to decide what to do with Dan's prize.

"This place has become a zoo," claims Michael Magavery, McDonalds Area 36 district manager. "We've already taken Dan's picture down from the 'Employee Hall of Fame' and now we're thinking about giving all the employees iPod shuffles or some shit like that so they'll calm the fuck down and get back to work."

Unfortunately Dan, who was let go this Thursday, had no live comments other than an email sent to our staff that reads:

"Dear Lifesamitch.com,

I didn't fuckin' juice up but once. I have the chest of an eight-year old child so cut me some fuckin' slack. I wanted to thicken up before the crew invited me back out to play beach volleyball with Lisa Clark. The last time we played she looked at my chest and said "Hey look everybody, it's shirts versus E.T.!" Everyone had a goddamn good chuckle at that one. Bitch. She's hot though, and I really want to finger-blast her before the summer's over. Anyway, I obviously didnt juice up to win McDonald's employee-of-the-month bullshit but the sauce did make me work harder. My dad's lawyers told me not to be saying anything about my case but I just wanted you all to know that I wouldnt take drug enhancements to win a sweet TV - but that I did what I did for love. And for all you kids out there, take note: the fact that A) I didn't swell up and B) I lost my fuckin' job, should tell all you all that juicin up isn't the way to win. If you really want a girl to love you, you should do push-ups or tell her you're rich. Or find somebody who loves you for your concaved chest and impish looks. Shit, here comes my dad, I gotta bolt. Stay cool and stay in school.

-Danimal"