KENNETH LAY PROMOTED TO CEO OF HADES by Mitchie Delishie

HELL (July 13, 2006) According to Hades business reporters the late Kenneth Lay has just been appointed Chief Executive Officer of the fiery pits of Hell in what many are calling the most rapid promotion since Adolph Hitler's highly coveted Sr. VP position - which placed the late furor one seat down from the devil himself back in 1945.

"When we heard of Lay's passing we just knew he was the man for the job," said Lucifer, Hell's president and founder. "His total lack of a moral compass and sinister quality demonstrated during his mortal work with Enron is the type of thing we applaud. We couldn't be happier."

Supposedly Lay heard the news from the overhead speaker system during orientatioin this past Monday. Witnesses say he blushed, covered his mouth then high-fived the room.

"This comes as a total surprise," said the late Kenneth Lay during an all-office Hell gathering. "Not only will I serve this fine establishment for all eternity but I will personally see to it that I expand its profit margins to record heights."

The new CEO then received a bronze pitchfork that he stuck into the "Wall of Lost Souls" producing a billion cries that simply brought the house down with applause.

Hell business analysts are concerned Lay's promotion is too soon as he is unaccustomed to the inner workings of the fiery pits of Hell. "Typically we like to see a soul that has been condemned for at least six centuries before seeing them take an executive seat. Such a quick jump for Lay could make for some bad business decisions down the road," said Senior Hell Analyst, Ted Bundy.

Some of the most challenging things on Lay's plate will be sustaining the recent increase in souls that have resulted from the massive amounts of suicide bombers, pediphile priests and telemarketers who continue to take their lives. Not to mention the vast preparations for the Apocalypse. "I have extensive training in the destruction of mankind so I'm not too worried about the tasks at hand," stated a confident Lay.

Although God was unavailable for comment, his son and senior partner of Heaven Inc., Jesus Christ, had this to say: "Kenneth was a troubled soul who failed to listen to our sage advice, nor did he heed the many signs we sent his way. Tis a shame to see a soul stray towards the way of Hades...but hopefully his track record will bring about the end of all evil as fellow man is brought back to his humbled beginnings, such as Adam and Eve back in fiscal one of our Genesis program."

Don't think Hade's stockholders aren't watching Lay's every move, as there is much more to lose this go around. Can Lay handle the stress of all damnation or will he simply repeat his egocentric foibles once again?

Only time will tell.