"HEY SUBWAY," A MESSAGE FROM JARED FOGLE by Mitchie Delishie

What's up Subway? Call it greed or me just wanting the new Corvette Z06 - but if you don't wire one million dollars into my account by 08:00 I will begin stuffing my face immediately.

That's right. One million buckaroos by 08:00 or I'll help myself to 25- feet a day of your Chicken & Bacon Ranch sandwich combo with extra mayo, bacon, ranch and whatever else will help me swell back up to my 300-plus pounds of pure Fogle fury.

What's one million dollars to a multi-billion dollar company that was just voted #1 franchise opportunity for 2006 by "Entrepreneur Magazine." You guys make that much money taking a dump, so hit the switch and make it happen.

I'm not fucking around either. Pounds come easy for this guy. Since you made me your bitch back in 2003 I've had to really watch my ass. I'm talking about having to walk every day, count calories, watch carbs and fuckin' stick my finger down my throat before I get on camera. I'm like that Olsen twin except I look more like Adam Corolla now and I'm sick of it. Show me the money or I swear I'll fall back into my comfort zone of gorging on industrial-size blocks of Velveeta in bed.

Now I want you to imagine me fat as fuckin' shit on a bullhorn hollering "MMMMM, Suwbay's deeeeelicious" as I stuff my cheese-covered face on Oprah with your sandwiches before you listen to your PR team about all this "blowing over." If you really want to defuse the situation, wire the appropriate funds into my account (you fools know the number) before I have to do the unthinkable.

This emperor's kept his old clothes - and he's ready to climb back in 'em.

The clock is tickin...and my stomach's growling.

Go.