BESIDES BEING A BABY SEAL HUNTER, WHY ELSE WON'T YOU DATE ME by Frank Lyod McFearson

What's up ladies! It's me, Frank. You know, that tall glass of handsome you've been eyeing at "Captain Jack's Pub" up in New Brunswick.

That's right, the one and only.

There's something I've been wanting to get off my broad chest you little chickens, and that's this: besides the fact that I make my living clubbing baby seals, why are all of you passing me up?

I mean look at me? I'm a sensual being, chisled out of stone. Do you know how cold it gets out there on the ice? But my skin's so thick I don't even feel it. I'm awesome and rich. I could take care of all of you hussies. That's right, I make one hundred U.S. buckaroos for every little white fuzz ball I club to death. Do the math and you'll understand how I can afford top-shelf Vodka and still have enough left over to buy somethin' shiny.

And don't get me started on the bedroom, 'cause this guy has been known to go ALL night. That's right ladies...even if I log in sixteen hours clubbing innocent, wide-eyed seal pups, I'm still game for some mattress wrestling. So ding-ding...who's ready for round one?

A lot of you broads keep asking me, "How can I live with myself," or "where's my soul," and all I have to say is, who needs a soul when you've got thick, newscaster hair and a square jaw like mine. Don't worry about me, I sleep fine. Now, let's focus on something a little more meaningful, like how this baby seal hunter's gonna club your pelvis with his man bat.

You're probably wondering what I like to do when I'm not sneaking up on unsuspecting baby seals and clubbing them to death...well, I'll admit it, I do like a good book and a warm bath. Hey, I can be soft too. I like to cuddle under the covers just as much as the next guy; but be warned, I wake up early. I like to rise when those happy, little cartoonish balls of soft fur are still asleep. So if there's gonna be any horizontal dancing - it's going to have take place at night...unless we don't sleep at all.

All right you sexy little misfits...it's gettin' late. I'm going to pay my tab and set sail. But Gumash, the bartender here knows where you can find me...and the door's unlocked.

See you soon.

-Frank