3rd Kunckle Now Featuring Ritz Cracker Mystery Theater Momment

If you haven't heard it by now you should definitely be listening to Third Knuckle on MySpace.com. It's a groundbreaking podcast that could be sweeping the nation by now or not. I guess what I'm trying to say is the technology to track the success of such a thing doesn't exist yet. But please visit and check it out...

www.myspace.com/thirdknckle

or

http://thirdknuckle.blogspot.com/

For those loyal listeners we've recently added in the Ritz Crackers Mystery Theater Moment into the show which ends on a cliff hanger each podcast....

"Why Didn't Anybody Tell Me I Looked Like An A-Hole for Forty Years?"

Hey movie fans, Gene Shalit here. I want to take it down a couple of notches and, rather than discuss my favorite and not so favorite movie picks, focus on my recent decision to change my appearance a bit.

Since I've updated my look I've received such an overwhelming response from fans, friends, family and co-workers that I'm starting to think I desperately needed it. In fact, I'm beginning to suspect that everybody but me thought I looked hideous before...which begs the question: why didn't anybody tell me I looked like an asshole for forty years? I mean I actually went on live television looking like a Vaudville ham and not a word from any of you. Do you know how many NBC interns I could have banged in my heyday if only somebody had the balls to tell me to shave that fucking caterpillar off my face? And what was with that bow-tie? I looked like Orville Redenbacher's dirty uncle. Those weren't schticks or a props - that was me trying to look cool (about as cool as cancer I've come to find).

Now, a lot of guys I thought were my closest friends are coming out of the wood-works to tell me "what a great decision I've made" and how they always thought I would look better with "a more contemporary look." YOU THINK? THANKS PALS? THANKS FOR ALL THOSE YEARS OF HONEST FEEDBACK! You know, I'm beginning to believe they wanted to keep me down so they could keep the poon-tang for themselves. And if I looked so atrocious then why did everyone encourage it further by giving me crazy bow-ties for the holidays? I recently found a Gay Rights Rainbow-tie that Matt Lauer gave me four years ago. When I asked him about it he said, "Oh, I always thought you were gay. My bad." MY BAD? And he's not the only one. I've come to find that almost everybody I polled at NBC thought I was either gay (65%), a child molester (30%) or both (5%). WHAT THE HELL? This is explains why Bring Your Kid to Work Day always took place while I was on vacation. Or why Willard Scott won't hug me...

Regardless - I'm back with an Oscar winning look and a two-thumbs up smile you can finally see.

Happy, sad and available,

-GS

Darfur Tribes Anticipating Apples by Mitchie Delishie

DARFUR, SUDAN - The buzz for Apple's iPhone seems without limits as Apple brings its revolutionary product to hundreds of Sudanese tribes in Africa.

"Everyone and their mother wants an iPhone," stated a sleepless Steve Jobs. "I've brought this region of the world something no competitor could even fathom. Now, thanks to Apple, the Sudanese people can check their email, get driving directions or listen to Bono like never before."

However, according to journalist covering the travesties of the Darfur region, these tribal communities are confused by the temporary Apple store and are lining up for what they're hoping will actually be real apples - and the promise for an American solution to their apartheid.

"These men, women and children have zero need for a $400 mobile phone," claims British journalist Sergi Sambacca. "They're seeing Apple's logo and feeling the store's air conditioning and they're thinking food and relief have finally arrived."

One only needs to watch five-minutes of the Darfur region's Apple Geniuses at work to see the company's loss of reality. During my visit I witnessed an Apple employee trying to stop a child from eating the iPhone while another explained how to use iChat to a frustrated, starved woman in search of her stolen baby.

"These people don't get it," claims Apple store manager David Boris, Darfur. "All they do is moan or reach into our pockets for food and stuff...when they should be learning what the iPhone has to offer. And don't get me started on the reaction we got from our iPod demo - just a sea of blank stares followed by chants for 'apples and peace.' We need to get the fuck out of here."

Costs aside, the average Darfur citizen has limited experience with computers not to mention AT&T doesn't service the region. To say this was a huge waste of time, money and resources would be an understatement.

"We're still working out the kinks," states AT&T service provider, Steven Polisky. "But I can tell you right now that the iPhone WILL NOT get service in Darfur...and the same applies for suburban and rural areas in the U.S., backyards, during day hours or when eight feet or more from a cell tower."

As I write this, Apple is considering shutting down its temporary Darfur location until the people of that region "get jobs or something" and can afford Apple's pricey gadgets. The store employees have given up trying to sell any merchandise and have joined the hundreds of deprived tribal communities in watching X-Men III on a G4.

ExxonMobile Launches Freakish Cartoon To Help Raise Spirits

TEXAS - To help ease motorists growing concerns for rising gas prices, ExxonMobile unveiled a friendly new mascot today that resembles a gas pump with a smile. Named "Presley the Friendly Gas Pump," the new mascot is said to roll-out later this month throughout the company's thousands of stations across North America.

"He's a lovable character," said Robert Slydon, ExxonMobile's CEO and President of North American Operations. "We truly believe that once America gets a load of Presley, their concerns for higher gas prices will fly out the window. He's just that lovable."

According to ExxonMobile's Chief Marketing Officer, Steven Crow, Presley talks in a high-pitched voice, rolls his eyes and raises his eyebrows. "This is the latest in state-of-the-art animatronics," claims Crow. "Presley is programmed with over five- hundred different phrases from 'Isn't pumping gas fun,' to 'Thirsty cars just love me!"

Skeptics abound fear Presley will only heighten consumers' frustrations over rising fuel costs and the oil industry's lack of compassion for its continuous price gouging. "What the fuck are they thinking," says Robert Murdoch, editor of Go Green. "Are they that out of touch with society to think that this will actually appease consumers?"

According to insiders, Presley's roll-out is costing ExxonMobile $80-million dollars, an expense the company says it will make up in just five minutes during peek driving season this summer.

Wendy's Launches "Eat Responsibly" Hasselhoff Ad Campaign

NEW YORK - After weeks of hemming, Wendy's executives finally gave the green light on the much talked about and highly criticized taboo ad campaign featuring a shirtless David Hasselhoff eating a Wendy's burger while intoxicated. The enormous billboard was unveiled in New York's Times Square as thousand of people reacted in awe. Themed, "Eat Responsibly," the ad is designed to target late night eaters who, like the famed Baywatch star, find themselves in need of good, greasy sustenance before passing out.

"Yeah, we we're a little nervous," said Wendy's Chief Marketing Officer, Robert Nol. "But the advertising creatives said it's what our target wants. And we believe them because they wear cooler clothes than we do and know about things like Youtube and Apple computers."

However, talentless ad critics nationwide are sinking their teeth into the campaign, ripping it to shreds. "Are you kidding me," said Karen Jessup, AdMonthly's chain restaurant beat reporter and bitch on wheels. "How could this ad make people want to eat hamburgers? It's revolting!" But some critics claim Jessup can't be too revolted after she's written six articles, ten blogs, toured eight national morning shows and designated ten minutes in a college commencement address to the ad - fueling the buzz the ad creators hoped for.

"Yeah we use Macs and listen to iPods and our office has a subscription to Maxim and Wired," said EEF Advertising's Creative Director Ryan Baxter. "But there's more to it than that. We also have green beanbags, drive scooters and hold brainstorms at the IMAX. We're kids!" It should be noted that Mr. Baxter is a forty-two year old divorced father of two living in the burbs who, despite owning a Mini Cooper, hasn't been out passed twelve o'clock since he was twenty-nine. In fact, if it wasn't for Baxter's twenty-two year old intern making sixteen dollars a week, his team wouldn't know cool if it kicked them in the groin.

When asked what he thought about seeing his intoxicated, withering body blown eighteen times its original size all over the country, David Hasselhoff said. "It's helping me stay sober. Just the other day I was about to get shit-faced at this Santa Monica Applebees when a Wendy's-wrapped bus pulled up alongside the window. I was like, 'What am I doing? I have a precious daughter at home waiting to blackmail me with a video camera. I have to get my hair done.'"

Entertainment reporters who speculated that this campaign would end Hasselhoff's career are now standing corrected. Yesterday, FOX announced a new reality show titled, "Shirtless Confessions," in which Hasselhoff will play host to celebrities' shirtless, drunken confessions on national television. Sponsored by Wendy's, the show is scheduled to run during the late hours, reaching the highly coveted college set.

Although it's a little too early for sales results, one random Wendy's patron said, "Whatever. I don't really pay attention to ads...or David Hasselhoff for that matter." She then sat down in the sun and stuffed her face with fries.

Castro Gets Comfy by Mitchie Delishie

Castro, Laid Back with His Mind on Communism and Communism on His Mind


CUBA - After undergoing intestinal surgery for diverticulitis in July, 2006 and transferring his responsibilities to his brother, Vice President Raul, Fidel Castro has announced it's Adidas warm-up suits and spiked Big Gulps from here on out.

"I like the Adidas," claims Castro. "It makes me feel comfortable and at ease."


For the past 48 years, Fidel has worn fatigues to remind people of his military might and position as Commander and Chief of the Cuban Armed Forces. But now the Cuban President can be seen holding worldwide meetings wearing red, white and black Adidas warm-up suits while sipping from a spiked Seven-Eleven Spider Man III Big Gulp cup.

Wu Guanzheng of the Chinese Communist Party's Politiburo recently met with the zipped-up Castro and thought nothing of it. "He looked very cozy sitting in his chair sipping his Big Gulp. I have to admit I was jealous. But he was nice and offered us several sips while discussing, at great length, the benefits of wearing Adidas warm-up suits and where we could get ones of our own."

According to insiders, Castro drops about five generous shots of rum into his Big Gulp before he leaves in the morning. "I like the way the Big Gulp, uh, feels in my hands. It's substantial and, uh, it lasts longer than a standard bar glass."

Castro Cold Chillin' in China, 2007

Although Adidas warm-up suits have come and gone here in the U.S. many Americans still remember a time when they were all the rage. In fact, Adam Horovitz (A.K.A. Ad-Rock) of Beastie Boys fame claims he still wears his while running errands or returning videos.

"I understand why my boy Castro pimps Adidas suits," claims Horovitz. "In an Adidas suit you're relaxed but ready for action. I wear mine when I go to places like Target or the Coldstone Creamery."



Che-Check Out the Warm-ups

Renee Silverstein, Chicago area mother of two, claims the suits are not just for Communist dictators and rap stars. "They're for everybody," she says.

"Me and the other girls go walking in
warm-up suits everyday, I wear mine to Trader Joe's, to Costco, when traveling to see my parents or even when I'm schlepping to Ikea and back. They're almost too comfortable if you know what I mean."

Comfy in Chicago

CASTRO'S ADIDAS WARM-UP SUIT TIPS OF THE WEEK:

1) "Don't wear your warm-up suit on job interview - bad form"
2) "Don't mistake pjs for warm-up suit"
3) "Avoid wearing warm-up suit during periods of bad gas - the material is much too thin and the smell will embarrass or overcome you"
4) "I find it difficult to hide a boner in an Adidas warm-up suit - so avoid having women sit on your lap or stay seated when aroused"
5) "Wear underwear to, uh, extend the amount of times you can wear your Adidas warm-up suit"
6) "Accessorize your Adidas warm-up suit with marathon medals to, uh, trick your enemy into thinking you're in better shape than he is (eBay,$6.95 and up)"
7) "Wear black Adidas warm-up suits to look thinner or to, uh, dress it up a bit, for example, when going to weddings or a disco"
8) "Let your warm-up suit air dry or they, uh, might shrink and hug your ass too much"
9) "Nothing looks worse than a wedgie when wearing Adidas warm-up suit, so, uh, keep your underwear out of your ass"
10) "If anyone gives you shit about your Adidas warm-up, uh, do what I do and tell them you have nuclear weapons and you are not afraid to use them on their house"

Letters to the Editor by Mitchie Delishie

Dear Lifesamitch.com readers,

Listen up fuckers - poke me one more time and I'll put you in a fuckin' wheelchair. That's right, I'm sick and tired of all you sluts pokin' my stomach, expecting a jubilant little giggle. In fact, poke me again and instead of laughter you'll hear my tiny little fists pounding your face in like cookie dough. That's right, I'll show you who's the boss of that kitchen here and now. Or maybe I'll poke YOU for a change - and I don't mean in the stomach.

-Pillsbury Doughboy, 2007




Dear Lifesamitch.com Readers,

Hey ya'll! It's like - it's finally spring! And with spring comes spring cleaning. Oh, I know...some of you are probably like, "Oh no he didn't! Mr. Clean's gonna put me to work just after I spritzed this mimosa with another splash of Champagne." But hold on...it's not that difficult. I'm serious! First, get yourselves a clean rag and a bucket and just fill that bitch up with warm water and a splash of Mr. Clean. Now, let the water run until you see suds formin' 'n shit. Then just dip that rag in the mixture like you're droppin' balls and start wipin' down everything and I mean everything in that house of yours. Now was that hard? Okay, next, get yourself another rag and just wipe away remaining wet dirt or grime. Holy shit, right? You all are probably thinkin' "Damnnnn! Who's place is this?" It's YOURS BITCHES! It's just clean and ready for those fun little get-togethers you been puttin' off because you've been a little mess pig. Anyway, I got run but I'll holler at ya'll later! Okay, bye!!

- Mr. Clean, 2007


S'up Lifesamitch.com,

Did anyone TiVo the Pistons/Magic game last night? I fucking missed it because my girlfriend scheduled a "date night"...yeah, I know. She made me take her to this gay-ass play and had me drop about ninety bucks on dinner and a bottle of wine for the two of us. Meanwhile, I would have been cool with some Papa Johns and my boy Chauncey Billups bringin' it up, up and UP! Damn, what was she thinking scheduling date night during the playoffs? Anyway, I'm trying to avoid reading the sports pages or hearing about the game until I see it myself...let me know bros!

-Jolly Green Giant, 2007



To Whom It May Concern at Lifesamitch.com,

Yo kids! Wanna try a REAL tasty treat in da morning? Tell yous moms and dads to buys Kellog's Pop's Krispies! Dat's right, it's da one with me, Pop, on da box. Unfortunately Snap and Crackle are no longer wid us - God rest der souls. It appears dey...uh...vanished during our annual deep-sea fishing excursion which I was lucky enough to survive from. Okay? So, don't worry so much about Snatch and Craple...dey weren't really good guys to begin wid. See, dey owed your friend Pop here a lot of dough and tried to cut him out of a fourteen million dollar cereal bar contract, but I guess they got what was coming to dem, right? Anyways, wid the noise pollutions you chumps are growing up wid, it doesn't make much sense to have a cereal that snaps, crackles AND pops. Now it's just gonna pop, you spoon it in yous mouths and you're fucking done wid it. Capiche? Alright din, run along and tell your mommas and papas dat it's gonna be Pop's for breakfast from here on out.

-Pop, 2007



Dear Lifesamitch.com Readers,

Gosh...I don't really know what I'm doing writing all of you but I'm lonely. I recently went through an excruciating divorce that has left me emotionally drained and disconnected from the world...what does that mean? I don't know. Whatever. I guess, I'm just looking for somebody to be there for me...somebody that will help pick me back up and show me that there is a life after divorce. Somebody that will remind me what it's like to laugh and enjoy the rain again. A little about me? Well, I enjoy salty cuisine, yellow dresses and getting lost under a giant umbrella. I enjoy waking up in the arms of a lover and knowing that he will be there when I come home rather than off with some slutty banana bitch who's life is nothing more than a shallow promise. Email me, text me or write me a beautiful love letter...

Waiting and alone, Morton Salt Girl, 2007


Dear Morton Slut,

I just want to let ya know dat calling me a "shallow banana slut," is way off da line. Just because you don't know how to keep a man married to you doesn' t mean you can go out say whatever you want like some sort of hoochie mamma people actually listen to. You're ugly and your dress makes you look like a big fat pig. There I said it. So take your ass to Macy's and buy yourself a new dress instead of sobbing and bitching on other people's blogs. "Eww, look at me, I'm crying in da rain and I don't have a man. Boo-hoo for me." You know, if you have something to say, why don't you come over and say it to my face! You still remember where you used to live don't you? Audios!

-Miss. Chiquita


Dear Whoever Read Miss Chiquita's Letter,

Oh my GAWD! Did ya'll just read what Miss Chiquita said to that poor Morton girl? It was like, vicious. That bitch be like a snake! She was all like, "don't be callin' me a shallow!" Oh my Gawd! That poor girl. If I was her I would have totally gone off on that bitch, with chains 'n shit. Then Chiquita made fun of the salty girl's yellow dress! Can ya'll believe that? I for one think that dress is so cute on her. My GAWD! And who is she to talk...walkin' around with a pineapple on her head. Girl look like a fruit buffet. I'm like FREAKN' out for Morton! And you know what? I told her not to worry about a thing 'cause Mr. Clean's comin' over with a bottle of wine and some old Audrey Hepburn movies to cheer her up. Mmm-hmmm, you know this. Mr. Clean's gonna make it clean, you know what I'm sayin'? Gonna clean up that poor girl's life up and get her a man that will treat her the way she needs to be treated. Alright ya'll...till next time!!!

-Mr. Clean, 2007

Goth Loner Laying Low by Mitchie Delishie

FAIRFAX, VA - As America's fears of student outcasts are at an all-time high, local Northern Virginia Community College goth student, Matthew Stalls, has decided to "lay low" for a while.

"It's just not a good climate to be a goth right now," claims Stalls. "Especially since I have zero friends, wear leather trench coats and collect Ninja throwing daggers."

After the horrific incident on Virgina Tech's campus Stalls claims people have been profiling him as a major threat to society. "What happened at Virgina Tech was heinous and something only a cowardly psycho could have done," says Stalls. "But it's not what my gothness is about. So, I happen to be a shy guy who enjoys dressing up like a vampire and has a slight disposition for jocks who call me 'queer bait.' But that doesn't mean you should evacuate a Taco Bell when I walk in or spray me with mace when I ask for the time."

To help him lay low, Stalls has purchased a Redskins ball cap, Auburn University sweater vest and some pleated Dockers. "It's totally not who I am, but it's really helped to take the spotlight off me for a change."

Meanwhile, Matthew's mother, Elizabeth Stalls, is enjoying her son's sporty new look. "I haven't seen Matty in orange in years. I forgot how absolutely adorable he looks in vibrant colors. You should see him in turquoise. Oh, he's to die for in turquoise."

Now Matthew's father, Gregory Stalls, feels closer to his distant son than ever before. "The other day when Matty asked me to take him to an Orioles game I almost wept. It was like all those years of him calling me a 'Christian pagan dictator' were tossed out the window and he was my son again. I don't want to jinx it, but I think the war between us is over."

Going into hiding hasn't been easy for the nineteen year old college freshman. "I hissed and bared my fangs on the court the other day. Luckily I was wearing a mouth-guard so the idiot who fouled me couldn't see my fake incisors. I gotta keep reminding myself that I can't be doing shit like that while I'm laying low...I just can't."

Matthew does admit this new guise isn't all bad. "A girl actually said 'hey' to me the other day and a group of guys who used to call me 'Count Faggula' invited me over to watch World Series Poker...that made me feel pretty cool."

While Matthew has no idea how long he's staying under the radar, his parents hope it's for good.

But only time will tell.

Sanjaya Malakar Announces Run for U.S. Presidency by Mitchie Delishie

WASHINGTON, D.C. - American Idol fans now have another reason to get excited after their adorable Sanjaya Malakar announced his run for U.S. President 2008. The seventeen year old Seattle native announced his run during a late-breaking media interview on C-Span's Washington Journal.

"My gosh, I'm having so much fun," claimed Mr. Malakar. "So I thought, why not run for President of the United States. So here I am America! Hi mom!"

Already Malakar has raised over $32 million dollars for his campaign, just making the first primary extension fund date by a day and beating both senators Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama's totals by millions.

"The kid's got moxie," said Obama. "He reminds me of myself, which is why I fear every fiber of his being." Those close to Barak's campaign claim Obama's taking singing classes and growing his hair out to appeal to the young voters who Malakar has quickly taken away.

Meanwhile, Hillary's camp is up in arms about Malakar's decision. "I take bigger dumps than that tyke," Senator Clinton claims. "You tell that hair farmer to watch his ass and that's all I'm gonna say."

FOX claims this is a big step for the show, which has gone from being a breeding ground for talentless musicians and crappy albums to a political juggernaut. "It doesn't surprise me," claims American Idol's Simon Cowell. "Americans want somebody who can get up in front of millions of people with no shame whatsoever. No matter how stupid they look or how talentless they actually are - take Bush for instance."

Al Qaeda Hires Internationl PR Firm by Mitchie Delishie

In a move to streamline fear and global terror, the radical Islamic terrorist organization Al Qaeda has just announced the hiring of Goldman Rogers, the international public relations firm known for its work with Nabisco's Chip Nips, The Left Handers Association and Snuggles Softener.

"We're thrilled to add Al Qaeda to our client roaster," said, Roger Goldman, Goldman Roger's CEO and founder. "We're confident we can achieve Al Qaeda's business objectives while changing the world's perception that these guys are not just your everyday terrorist group."

Goldman Roger was one out of twelve agencies pecking at the feet of the lucrative terrorist organization. According to industry insiders, they won the business by correlating their Snuggles softener launch (in which they "took over a city" with thousands of adorably soft puppies and buildings draped in cozy blankets) to that of a massive Al Qaeda attack. The company then set its creative team into a four-hour brainstorm where Roger claims, "The real magic happened."

"Suicide bombings are so yesterday," claims Dan Pelvic, Goldman Roger's vice president and the mastermind behind the Hostess "Ho Ho-Down." "We're going to take these guys to new places, like Ellen or the Today Show. We're swimming with tactics....for example, what about a sponsored national threat. National security is hot right now. These guys make a threat and before you know it, everybody's talking. Now, what if that threat came from the new Apple iPhone or during NBC's hit series The Office? Yeah, the program practically pays for itself."

Meanwhile, industry analysts are attacking Goldman Roger, claiming this is an all-time low for PR. Michael Stack of PR Weekly states, "We've always known PR companies would sell their mothers for business, but to promote terror is simply immoral."

When asked what he thought of the criticism, Mr. Pelvic simply smiled, leaned back in his chair and said, "Sounds like our buzz campaign is already in the works."

Lying Out Loud by Mitchie Delishie

I feel horrible about something. The other day when I responded with, "LOL!" in my email to you, I wasn't really laughing out loud at all. In fact, I was sipping coffee stone-faced as I typed those three little letters.

And it's been killing me.

Which is why I want to discuss "onlies," or "online lies" as you laymen and laywomen refer to them. We make onlies every day and I think it's making us worse for wear. Just because our modern communication devices have taken face-to-face discourse from our lives, doesn't give us the right to be bold face liars.

Can we not dig within ourselves and pull up some of that honest dialogue that made us such pleasant people during the 40s and 50s? As a frequent onliar I've jotted down some of the more common onlies that are slowly killing the moral fiber of this nation.

SPAM ME THE EXCUSE
Spam is where we say those emails we forgot or didn't want to respond to end up. We say things like,"Sucks that I missed taking you to the airport but your email ended up in my Spam blocker for some reason." This is simply an onlie. If you don't want to take me to the airport just say so.

THE NON-ATTACHMENT
This excuse comes up when a friend asks you specifics about a photo or joke they emailed your way that you simply deleted without even looking at them:

FRIEND: "Which of the four wedding photos I emailed do you think we should frame?"

YOU: "You know, I had trouble opening your attachments. My computer sucks."

What you're really saying with this onlie is that you suck. Look at the photos, read the jokes and acknowledge your friends and family.

GOING IT ON YOUR BOSS
Going IT on your boss is where you just start throwing out random cryptic tech-talk to get yourself out of trouble:

BOSS: "...but I sent you that email to you like a week ago?"

YOU: "I...I didn't...you know what? I got hit with this virus and it encrypted everything in my RAM speed access DATA PORT drive, so everything that was sent to me last week ended up getting Anti-Norton deleted. Can you send it to me again and I'll get on it?"

Whaaaat? You have no idea how a computer works, do you?

IM A LIAR
Most IM features allow you to onlie by saying you're busy when you're really online Googling yourself and watching movie trailers. You can even have it say you're away when you're really there. In real life, this would be the equivalent of standing alone at a party with a T-shirt that read "I'm Not Here" while you ignored the entire room - which of course would be rude and incosiderate.

THE SPECIAL-EFFECTS WIZARD
Okay, this one's been beaten to death but I'll repeat it anyway. Just because you have the software to make your online dating profile photo look like a Angelina Jolie - like redirecting lazy eyes towards the camera, removing double-chins and digitally giving yourself a face-lift, doesn't mean you should. Don't fool Cyberspace because Cyberspace will eventually fool you. Regardless, you're going to have to meet your match in-person and just because you got him to "LOL" till two in the morning on IM, doesn't mean he'll forgive you for setting him up with a Hobbit. Be yourself and only then will you find true love.

Today's modern lies also apply to cell phones for what I like to call "Mobile-lies." Following are a few Mobile-lies that are corrupting our society one call at a time.

DROPPIN' SIGNALS LIKE THEY'RE NOT
This is simply where you just hang up on a person you're sick of talking to, claiming signal failure later.

THEM: "Hey, why didn't you call me back? I wanted to finish telling you about that dream I had?"

YOU: "I got caught up in a bank vault surrounded by four feet of concrete and lead and couldn't get a signal. Oddly enough, the bank was offering free wings and pitchers of beer, which explains why I'm drunk and reeking of hot sauce."

DON'T MESS WITH THE TEXTLESS
This is a big mobile-lie. Somebody asks why you didn't respond to their text and you look them dead in the eye and tell them that your phone isn't capable of texting. Meanwhile, you're phone's got enough media features to land a space shuttle.

SCREENING SILENTLY
We've been doing this for years but now that we can screen calls on the go and in public, it's a becoming more risky. This could happen to anyone, you're walking down the street jamming to your iPod when your phone vibrates. You pull it out and see that it's not important. So, you don't answer it and go about your day. Unfortunately for you, there's now a voicemail from the person you just screened that says they saw you from across the street and witnessed your mobile-lie in person. Shame on you.

So now that I've outed some of our modern lies, where does that leave us? Well, I'm not sure. I for one will try to be a little more honest in dealing with my fellow man online and in person in 2007 and beyond. Of course, I could be lying to you right now. After all, this is simply a blog. When did blogs start telling the truth? So, maybe it's just easier to say I'll try harder and ask that people forgive me, ahead of time, for not being in the mood to chat it up at all hours of the day. Or better yet, maybe my Blackberry will just drop its signal and I won't have to close this lame ass blo-

------------------sent from a Blackberry wireless-----------------

Does Anybody Know Where I Can Like Score Some Really Good Cocaine? by Tara Conner, Miss USA

Hello blogosphere, can anyone hear me?

Hey, I was just wondering if like anybody in the World Wide Web knows where I could score some really good cocaine? I totally had a great time snorting it the other night and have been looking to do it again.

I asked Trumpkins if he had any and he just smiled and said, "Don't talk so much," as he opened his silk robe and turned out the lights.

And don't be gettin' all upset because you think I'm addicted - I'm actually using the Devil's dust as a means of weight control. So think of my love for cocaine much like my love for the gym and not eating.

Seriously, what does the prettiest girl in the U.S. gotta do to score some free lines? You all gave me a second chance at being Miss USA - now get me a second helpin' of that pure Columbian Coochie-Coo pronto!

Oh, and while I'm here, let me give a shout out to my favorite city in the whole wide world - New York!! I just love the New York with it's tall buildings and underground locomotives. It's like Oz except with black people.

Well, I just dug through my Prada bag and couldn't find a speck of cocaine. So, maybe one you all could UPS me some or stop by my apartment (must be good-looking or friendly like Santa Claus). I live in SoHo above the Baby Nicole Miller, apartment #2 1/2. I'm usually home from like 11am - 3pm watching TV and looking at myself, then I walk my dog, puke, then go to the Broadway Gym...after that I come home to shower, eat humus and get ready for the clubs by 5 pm EST.

Side note...if any doctors are readin' this, I have a question: is it okay if you snort carpet cleaner while you're waitin' for somebody good-lookin' to drop cocaine off at your crib? If so, cool beans. If not, what should one do if they've just done it?

I also want to take this wonderful opportunity to say I didn't make out with Miss Teen USA like everybody thinks I did. I simply put my tongue in her mouth and tweaked her nipples a bit. Big deal! I did it so this investment banker from the Hampton's would fork over a bottle of Grey Goose. And that doesn't make me a gay alcoholic either - just means I like to kiss girls when I'm thirsty.

Well, this was fun blogging with you all....um....hey, I'm not sure how to end this so I'm just going to say I strongly support Pink and her hatred of wool sweaters. I hate wool sweaters too because they're itchy and make me look like a dyke. I also support Al Gore and his efforts to make our world a warmer, more comfortable place to live. I LOVE all things Brad Pitt and would kiss Angelina Jolie even if I weren't thirsty. Um...I encourage space exploration too and hope our spacemen discover a time machine so they can travel to the future and bring back a cure for humidity. I think everyone should drive smart cars in 2007, especially if they can talk like K.I.T. and score above a 900 on their SATs. My resolutions for 2007 are to NOT gain weight, learn the alphabet after the letter "P" and to scoure some coke without having to use this internets...

I've run out of things to say.

Yep...I've done run out of things to say so I'm gonna say goodbye blogosophere!!!! I'll miss you!!!

Yours with Kisses,

Tara Conner
Miss USA

MITCHIE DELISHIE INTERVIEWS FRIEND'S OLDER BROTHER - "CAPTAIN MEGALODON" by Mitchie Delishie

I recently had the good fortune of sitting down with my friend's older brother, "Captain Megalodon," to discuss sharks, the state of the comic book movie franchise and chasin' tail.

For those unfamiliar with Captain Meg', you should know he is truly a dying breed of older brother, transcended from the 80s. Luckily, in-between calling me "Butt nut," and griping about half-finished beers, he had time to answer a few questions that I hope shed light on the Great White APEX predator who has become legendary amongst friends and co-workers.
"What's up BUTT NUTS!"

MD: Explain to Lifesamitch readers what is a "Megalodon?" And exactly when is it safe to "frenzy" at a local pub?

The Megalodon was the APEX Predator of the sea during the Jurassic or Triassic period I believe. Mean's "Big tooth shark." This is the grandaddy of 'em all. Transmogrifying its traits to the human male is what I do best. It's nearly always safe to frenzy at a local pub as long as there's some nice whisker biscuit there. However, as you know, avoid the idiot savant bachelorette party crew. As the captain of the Megs, I'll let you younger bucks crash and burn with your cheese lines before I separate Betty from the bunch. Basically, it's a beta males move out, alpha males move in type scenario where only the strong survive.

MD: When did your fascination with sharks surface the waters?

When my Dad took me and my knuckle-headed brother to see the original Jaws. Seen all the sequels except only bit parts of #4 with Mario Van Peebles. Can that guy ruin a movie or what? That ass clown destroyed Highlander 2 for me. Also, the pinnacle Megalodon moment was the opening scene of Steve Alten's book "Meg" where my meg ancestor shreds a T-rex that has wandered out a bit too deep in search of it's own meal.

MD: How many things in your home have sharks on them?

Framed Jaws original movie poster, 2 shark ties (classy ones from J. Crew & Tommy Hilfiger, not one *Herb Tarlek would wear), shark boxer shorts, couple shark pictures, etc.

*Yes, a "WKRP in Cincinnati" reference

MD: What's your three favorite sharks and why?












1) "Megalodon ('nuff said fanboy)"











2) "Great White (Check out those chompers)"









3) "Goblin Shark (cool name)"

MD: Who are the "ladies of the 80s" and what makes them the perfect "lay-up?"

"Ladies of the 80's" are that rare breed of women that still somehow exists in the 21st Century. That's called an anachronism right - something out of place in time? These babes are sportin' acid-washed jeans, BonJersey hair, maybe some white high heels or neon spandex dresses. Perhaps they arrive in a minivan for "Girls Night Out." They're usually married with at least one divorcee in the mix. All they're looking for are Jell-O shots, free smokes and poke while their husbands, who joined the Navy after watching "Top Gun," are out to sea. Approach with caution and avoid big words like "anachronism." I escape the next morning by saying I've got an early tee time with my boss.

MD: Is your fin up or down these days?

Fin's at mid-dorsal today, but ask me that when the weekend rolls in. It'll be in full effect this Saturday for our 3rd Annual Jimmy Buffett day bash. (kind of a winter salute to all things Buffett). No lie, when I worked for the Mayor of Jacksonville I got him to proclaim the 2nd Saturday in December to be Jimmy Buffett day. At the last minute, I slipped in the words "and all second Saturdays thereafter in perpetuity." Really, it's true we have the proclamation.

MD: For years you've yelled at all of us for leaving "sandbags." Can you explain exactly what a "sandbag" is and what's your beef with them?

Ok, "Sand bags" or "dead soldiers" are those half-finished beers you idiots leave at the bar before leaving or at home on the coffee table before we go out. C'mon nuggets - finish the whole thing! It's only 12-ounces and you paid for it. My favorites however are the nearly 3/4 full or full beers we leave in the den/kitchen/coffee table the next morning after coming home from the bars for a late night rendezvous. People are all jazzed to keep the party going but rarely do things go beyond one beer or a half. You're either gonna sip quick and get your stick wet or go to bed solo to punch your clown in defeat.

MD: If you were a comic book hero, what powers would you like and how would you wield them?

Flight mainly. It leads to money, babes and travel - no matter how ugly you are. I'd probably use my powers for pickin' up dirties.

MD: What's your take on Toby Macguire as today's Peter Parker? Hugh Jackman as our modern day Wolverine?

Jackman's done a great job as James Howlett (a.k.a "Logan"/"Wolverine"/"Patch"). Way better than had Dougray Scott played him. Originally I wanted Billy, the Indian guy from Predator 1 to play Wolvie, but I don't think I ever saw him again...kind of like Mike Dimone from Fast Times. Toby's been good. Has the nerdiness of Peter Parker and not Mr. good-looking either. I think that's called "keepin' it real."

MD: What's been your favorite comic book movie franchise?

"Batman Begins" - Awesome, kind of like the Year 1 Frank Miller series
"Superman Returns" - How about all the messiah imagery?
"Batman" - Jack Nicholson & Michael Keaton did very good jobs
"Batman 2, 3, 4" (Bats & Robin) - based more on the campy 60's tv show. Why not just make Ishtar 2, 3,4?
"Hulk"- Terrible CGI
"X-men 2"- best of the 3. 3rd was disappointing. Of course there will be a 4
"Daredevil" - had Potential, lose that pillow biter ben Affleck
"Elektra" - One of my favorite characters destroyed. Jennifer Garner is HOT though "Fantastic Four" - Decent attempt. Chiklis as Ben Grimm was good casting
"Punisher" - Didn't see the one with Thomas Jayne, but years ago while at FSU we watched one with Dolph Lungren - pretty cheesy
"Captain America"- One was straight to video I think
"Hellboy" - Pretty good
"Lobo" - They gotta make this one

MD: What do you know about the World Wide Wrestling Federation?

Incompetent attorneys. They had to change WWF to WWE so we wouldn't confuse it with pandas and wildlife. Really, my favorite was Florida Championship Wrestling with Gordon Solie as the host. Dusty Rhodes and Sweet Brown Sugar...does it get any better?

MD: When is the last time you gave your little brother a Charlie horse?

Two weeks ago at the Old Country Buffet. Lesson there: don't cut in line bro.

MD: Where does an APEX predator such as yourself cruise for ladies?

Flingers and Chotchki's. But I'm game for TGI or the Outback.

MD: Mix-Tapes, CDs or MP3s?

Being an older brother, I'm still converting most of CD's to MP3 & iPod.

MD: Favorite movie line?

Naked blonde walks into a bar...poodle under one arm, two-foot salami under the other...bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink."

Blonde says "..."

We don't know what she says as Bender falls through the ceiling.

MD: What's pissing you off these days?

Gay store reps trying to help me buy clothes. Step away dudette, I know what I like. What happened to the nice old grand-pa types that made you feel like a million bucks in an awesome suit?

Not ever being able to pay cash for gas at the station. They're all so afraid I'm gonna rob them and drive off with free gas - yeah like a guy wearing a suit in broad daylight is going to "gas and go."

Shit like that makes me want to punch stuff.

MD: As an omniscient older brother, what advice do you have for all the little brothers out there?

Vote, avoid mediocrity, don't smoke and stop getting your haircut like you're in a pop band unless you're in a pop band or gay or in a gay pop band. Call me don't text me. Wrap up your squirrel before you bust a nut, invest, save and be merry.

______________________

Did you know?

Captain Megalodon loves all things gigantic, including: Giant Squid, the recently discovered Giant Camel (about 30 ft tall), the Giant Turtle - Arcehlon Ischryos, Super Croc - Sarcosuchus Imperator, the Mega Raptor - Yes, there was an even bigger, meaner one, and lastly the Carcharodontosaurus Saharicus - the Shark Tooth reptile, a nice dino with teeth the size of a great white.

A Note from the Editor

Hello readers! What's going on? Well, first let me apologize for not updating the blog. There's nothing I can say other than I've been extremely busy.

See, running a successful blog takes hours of dedication and strict discipline. I typically start my day by immersing myself in Media. After Media gets dressed and makes me breakfast she usually leaves me a pot of coffee to fuel my blogging mind. I then take a cold shower while six monks beat me with bamboo canes. Yes it hurts, but whoever said bloggin' was easy. Next, I don my suit and tie and begin typing letters, words and stuff. At the end of the day my blog entries are reviewed by a panel of AA members and a priest named O'Flannigan. The next day is rewrites followed by candy binges, more rewrites and finally a read through with my Aunt Barb and neighbor Sticky (a nickname given for his uncanny ability to walk away with other people's personal belongings - like an iPod that I would love to get back).

However, such rituals were put aside these past four weeks as I've been in heated discussions with those folks over at Google. That's right, I've been trying to get them to purchase lifesamitch.com for a mere $85 million (chump change). After they purchased Youtube.com, I decided to hit the iron while it was hot and so began a very long thread of emails that doesn't end as I had hoped.

Following are my email transcripts that pretty much sum up my absence of late. Start from the bottom.

As always, thanks for reading.

Cheers,

Mitchie Delishie
CEO, Founder & President of Lifesamitch.com

______________________________________
From: Jennifer Myers
Sent: Thursday, October 26, 2006
To: Mitchie Delishie; Larry Page; Sergy Brin
Subject: RE: Dope A$$ Site

Dear Mr. Delishie,

Should you continue to harass my associates we will be forced to seek criminal charges against you. We've been nothing but discreet and forthcoming in our correspondences yet you continue to provoke us. Please stop your communications at once.

Regards,

Jennifer Myers
Sr. Vice President of Google Affairs
Google

From: Mitchie Delishie
Sent: Wednesday, October 18, 2006
To: Sergy Brin; Larry Page
Subject: RE: Dope A$$ Site

F) Fuck off!
G) Google's gay!

Fine, I'll take my site to Yahoo! or that Ask Jeeves guy...

Jerks!


From: Sergy Brin
Sent: Wednesday, October 18, 2006
To: Mitchie Delishie; Larry Page
Subject: RE: Dope A$$ Site

Mitchie,

A) Do you honestly think that I would go behind my best friend and business partner?
B) Already your ethical conduct has proven you're not somebody we would want to conduct business with.
C) Your site sucks.
D) Your asking price is ridiculous!
E) Stop emailing us before we get our legal team involved.


From: Mitchie Delishie
Sent: Monday, October 16, 2006
To: Sergy Brin
Subject: RE: Dope A$$ Site

Hey Sergy,

I realize you're probably being quiet because you've worked the numbers and see the potential? Go ahead and send that check to:

Lifesamitch.com
P.O. BOX 679
Chicago, IL 60601

P.S. - I won't tell Larry until the party.

From: Larry Page
Sent: Monday, October 16, 2006
To: Mitchie Delishie; Sergy Brin
Subject: RE: Dope A$$ Site

No thank you. We're just not interested.

LP

From: Mitchie Delishie
Sent: Thursday, October 12, 2006
To: Larry Page; Sergy Brin
Subject: RE: Dope A$$ Site

Dear Mr. Page:

How about taking that good...to GREAT!

Let's do this.

From: Larry Page
Sent: Thursday, October 12, 2006
To: Mitchie Delishie; Sergy Brin
Subject: RE: Dope A$$ Site

Thanks, but we're good.

LP

From: Mitchie Delishie
Sent: Monday, October 9, 2006
To: Larry Page; Sergy Brin
Subject: Dope A$$ Site

Dear Google:

I do hope this correspondence finds you lads in good spirits. Allow me to introduce myself, for I am the Mitchie Delishie of www.lifesamitch.com fame. Yes, that humorous online rag that's most-likely the cuase of your latest knee- slapping injury.

First, let me commend you on your successful search tool. We are a lot alike you and me. For I too am young and ambitious and share a knack for online musings such as yourselves. However, I feel Google lacks a certain flare that today's online demograpic looks for in a healthy site. Now, I'm not going to get on a soap box and tell you guys how to run your show, but I will say that acquiring me for a mere $85 million dollars is a steal. It's also a step forward, as I could generate a lot of ad revenue for you guys. Unlike other sites, I'll take my banner ads into the real world with me. That's right, I'm saying I'll wear Google Shirts, ties and funny little hats to gala events and ball rooms across the country.

Imagine that, a site that extends into the real world. Picture me on the cover of Rolling Stone wearing a neat, Google T-shirt. "Cool, I wonder what that sites all about," some Gen-Y hipster might say. "I'm going to go online and check that out." BOOM, new customer! Mitchie Delishie just redirected online traffic from a f-kin' news stand. Next!

Am I making sense yet?

Or should I say, cents? Let's talk soon.

Thanks in advance for your consideration,

Mitche Delishe
CEO, Founder and President of www.lifesamitch.com

MARK FOLEY'S IM TRANSCRIPT by Mitchie Delishie

Lifesamitch.com recently got its hands on one of Rep. Mark Foley's (R-FL) earlier attempts at using Instant Messenger to lure a sixteen year-old male page into his arms. Fortunately, the kid on this transcript was able to avoid Foley's follies.

Be warnd - some of the content may be a bit shocking. In the following transcript, Mark Foley uses the name "RadMan1."



Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL)
___________________________________

RadMan1: What's up little man?

Page: Oh, hey Mr. Foley.

RadMan1: Call me Marky Mark. Did you catch the OC last night?

Page: No, I was here entering voter data in Excel till ten o'clock.

RadMan1: Oh yeah, anyway it was a killer episode.

Page: Okay, don't you have something else to do? Like represent the state of Florida?

RadMan1: LOL! Yeah, but I'm having such a rad time IMing you homie.

PAGE: Wait, Congress is in session right now. Shouldn't you be there?

RanMan1: I am here. I'm on my Blackberry AND I'm not wearing underpants.

Page: What?

RadMan1: Ha! I'm free-ballin' it bitch. Isn't that hot?

Page: Not remotely.

RadMan1: C'mon! You don't find that a bit steamy?

Page: Dude, I'm sixteen. I just got a Saturn Ion-3 and a handjob from Jenny Barrett. I'm not into you.

RadMan1: Hell, what does that little tart have that I don't?

Page: I don't know, longer hair and a vagina.

RadMan1: Hold on stud.

Page: You can go, please.

RadMan1: Sorry, Hastert was givin' me shit for hittin' you up during this immigration yawner. Anyway, back to me NOT wearing underpants.

Page: Dude, stop.

RadMan1: What if I take you and Jenny up to my cabin this weekend? I'll bring some cases of Amstel and some ecstasy. I have a hot tub.

Page: Nah, we're gonna stay molestation-free this weekend. Thanks for the creepy invite though.

RadMan1: Shoot, I just picked up this sweet pair of lil' simmin' trunks too. You want me to model them for you back at the office?

RadMan1: You still there?

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